You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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