We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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