so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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