i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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