I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
