if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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