I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
