guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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