So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
