I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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