Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
