the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
