my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
