This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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