not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
