she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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