I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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