left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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