im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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