You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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