why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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