She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
