she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
