I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
