her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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