MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
