So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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