Betty ford says i'm here all night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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