Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
