I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I need moral support for this bender
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
