if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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