oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
