don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
