note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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