My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
