I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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