I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
