Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
