i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
