Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
birth control should be required to get into college
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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