he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We have started to decorate penises.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
