when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
