got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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