Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
