I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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