Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
