i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize