got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
