I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
