I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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