Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
