Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
