I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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