Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
