I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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