Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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