woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
