Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
