mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
