but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize