): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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