I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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