do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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