God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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