3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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