Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(415): View more from California

fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

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(831): View more from California

Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers

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(208): View more from Idaho

when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder

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(208): View more from Idaho

at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?

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