so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
