my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize