I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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